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Onion News Network Archive

In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy “Commander In Steve” alongside James Franco and Seth Rogan. Subscribe to The Onion...0September 2, 2012

Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters

In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy “Commander In Steve” alongside James Franco and Seth Rogan. Subscribe to The Onion…

Doc’s back on the road and Kenny’s at home as they yell about Roger Goodell secretly making the NFL’s preseason games count, Ichiro Suzuki making the Yanks lick his elbow,...0September 2, 2012

Roger Goodell Reveals That All Preseason Games Have Secretly Been Regular Season Games

Doc’s back on the road and Kenny’s at home as they yell about Roger Goodell secretly making the NFL’s preseason games count, Ichiro Suzuki making the Yanks lick his elbow,…

A man thanks God he’s not sexually attracted to children, the nation’s women aren’t as crazy about Bryan Gosling, and the guy on the third floor with two computer screens...0September 1, 2012

Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot To Assassinate Putin

A man thanks God he’s not sexually attracted to children, the nation’s women aren’t as crazy about Bryan Gosling, and the guy on the third floor with two computer screens…

The Onion looks back at the romantic summer evening Pol Pot was conceived, the Panama Canal going over budget by 10000 dead laborers, and the Beatles playing to 60000 fans...0September 1, 2012

This Week In History: The Beatles Play Shea Stadium In Huge Gig Opening For The Mamas And The Papas

The Onion looks back at the romantic summer evening Pol Pot was conceived, the Panama Canal going over budget by 10000 dead laborers, and the Beatles playing to 60000 fans…

A local dog is wolfing down kibble as if the United States isn’t in a goddamn economic crisis, Mitt Romney gets stick in an endless loop of uncomfortable chuckling, and...0August 31, 2012

Obama Up Early Cooking Breakfast In One Of Michelle’s Extra Long T-Shirts

A local dog is wolfing down kibble as if the United States isn’t in a goddamn economic crisis, Mitt Romney gets stick in an endless loop of uncomfortable chuckling, and…

The housemates plan an orgy. Alex gets herself in the mood with the Sybian and Derek puts those sex shackles to good use. Frank can’t keep it in his pants....0August 30, 2012

Orgy Scheming – Sex House – Ep. 8

The housemates plan an orgy. Alex gets herself in the mood with the Sybian and Derek puts those sex shackles to good use. Frank can’t keep it in his pants….

Every living being on this planet is a facilitator of unspeakable disease and malady. No true refuge exists from the monolithic and all-encompassing scourge of bacteria jettisoned out during the...0August 29, 2012

Animals Spread Disease Constantly – Horrifying Planet – Ep. 7

Every living being on this planet is a facilitator of unspeakable disease and malady. No true refuge exists from the monolithic and all-encompassing scourge of bacteria jettisoned out during the…

Virgil brings in a dredged pen. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com Follow Onion Digital Studios on...0August 28, 2012

Coins/Pen – Lake Dredge Appraisal

Virgil brings in a dredged pen. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com Follow Onion Digital Studios on…

While people often love warming themselves with blankets, many want to join in and can’t simply because they are undereducated on what a blanket is. Time to Trouble Hack through...0August 27, 2012

Blankets No Longer Warm Me – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

While people often love warming themselves with blankets, many want to join in and can’t simply because they are undereducated on what a blanket is. Time to Trouble Hack through…

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or...0August 26, 2012

Weird, Area Woman Wasn’t Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or…

Staff editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly once again gives readers a peek inside his creative process. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The...0August 26, 2012

Behind The Pen: Reading, Writing and Robbery

Staff editorial cartoonist Stan Kelly once again gives readers a peek inside his creative process. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The…

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can’t even do a...0August 26, 2012

Man Doesn’t Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can’t even do a…

This Week In History: The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa’s stellar penal system, and...0August 25, 2012

Jailed Nelson Mandela Becomes Fully Rehabilitated Through South Africa’s Stellar Penal System

This Week In History: The Onion looks back at the admission of Ant Colony 000082567KLN00067X into the Union, Nelson Mandela becoming fully rehabilitated through South Africa’s stellar penal system, and…

The GOOMF guys yell somewhat coherently about a water polo defection, the Cubs’ new seven-player “ChicagaZor,” and Jeff Saturday wasting away without Peyton Manning. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:...0August 24, 2012

Chicago Cubs Combine Seven Players To Form One Giant Player Called “Chicagazor”

The GOOMF guys yell somewhat coherently about a water polo defection, the Cubs’ new seven-player “ChicagaZor,” and Jeff Saturday wasting away without Peyton Manning. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:…

A fun new drink has the housemates turned on and primed for sex. Erin and Alex get into a skanky cat fight while Jay and Derek get down to business....0August 23, 2012

Sex In A Bottle – Sex House – Ep. 7

A fun new drink has the housemates turned on and primed for sex. Erin and Alex get into a skanky cat fight while Jay and Derek get down to business….

Sky Energy is proud to partner with Horrifying Planet in forging sustainable futures for this generation and many more to come. Fresh, clean natural gas lies just below the Earth’s...0August 22, 2012

Cheap, Clean Natural Gas: Earth’s One Good Feature – Horrifying Planet – Ep. 6

Sky Energy is proud to partner with Horrifying Planet in forging sustainable futures for this generation and many more to come. Fresh, clean natural gas lies just below the Earth’s…

Kim is forced to make an appraisal on a priceless US history artifact after Milt invokes the Dredger’s Guild laws. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion...0August 21, 2012

Shitbucket Of John Wilkes Booth – Lake Dredge Appraisal

Kim is forced to make an appraisal on a priceless US history artifact after Milt invokes the Dredger’s Guild laws. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion…

Today I’m showing you how to track down that tumbleweed that contains your small child. So grab a pot, a knife, and some rancid dog meat: we’re gonna find that...0August 20, 2012

My Baby Got Carried Away By A Tumbleweed – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Today I’m showing you how to track down that tumbleweed that contains your small child. So grab a pot, a knife, and some rancid dog meat: we’re gonna find that…

Doc has finally arrived in London to crash his face with Kenny’s over the dangerous Night Olympics, the shot putters’ glorious forearms, and the Queen’s likely racism. Subscribe to The...0August 19, 2012

Usain Bolt Sprints To Gold In Front Of Virulent Racist Queen Elizabeth II

Doc has finally arrived in London to crash his face with Kenny’s over the dangerous Night Olympics, the shot putters’ glorious forearms, and the Queen’s likely racism. Subscribe to The…

Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won’t die before voting on Election Day. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on...0August 18, 2012

GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November

Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won’t die before voting on Election Day. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on…

The housemates oil themselves up to play sexy oily Twister. A therapist visits to help Jay and Tara work through their sex problems. A terrarium is introduced to address the...0August 16, 2012

Dr. Sex – Sex House – Ep. 6

The housemates oil themselves up to play sexy oily Twister. A therapist visits to help Jay and Tara work through their sex problems. A terrarium is introduced to address the…

Christ almighty, spiders were designed to disgust and terrorize the other living creatures on this planet with those spindly fucking legs…ah fuck that’s the worst! Spiders are the fucking fucking...0August 15, 2012

Spiders: Christ, Fucking Spiders – Horrifying Planet

Christ almighty, spiders were designed to disgust and terrorize the other living creatures on this planet with those spindly fucking legs…ah fuck that’s the worst! Spiders are the fucking fucking…

Pete finds an old briefcase that looks a lot like one Kim used to own, but it’s anything but a happy reunion. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like...0August 14, 2012

Pilfering Pete’s Briefcase – Lake Dredge Appraisal

Pete finds an old briefcase that looks a lot like one Kim used to own, but it’s anything but a happy reunion. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like…

A few simple tricks to get the most out of your breadstick! Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter:...0August 14, 2012

Simple Ways To Hack Your Breadstick – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

A few simple tricks to get the most out of your breadstick! Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter:…

If you’ve always found Olive Garden’s unlimited breadsticks invasive, find out how to opt out of this program the second you walk in the door. Get back your confidence and...0August 13, 2012

Opt Out Of Olive Garden’s Bread Bowl, It’s Your Right – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

If you’ve always found Olive Garden’s unlimited breadsticks invasive, find out how to opt out of this program the second you walk in the door. Get back your confidence and…

Tim Devannon and Kenny Kennedy are back in London to discuss Coach K’s new coxswain, China’s fake Britain, and rowers discovering the sail. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly...0August 12, 2012

Coach K Hires Coxswain To Keep USA Basketball Team Motivated And In Rhythm

Tim Devannon and Kenny Kennedy are back in London to discuss Coach K’s new coxswain, China’s fake Britain, and rowers discovering the sail. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly…

Chick-fil-A debuts its new homophobic sandwich, the ‘Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu,’ a horrible couple really wants their wedding to reflect their personalities, and Uncle Ben’s plans to compete against Apple with...0August 12, 2012

Fucking Oasis To Probably Be Worked Into Olympics Opening Ceremony

Chick-fil-A debuts its new homophobic sandwich, the ‘Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu,’ a horrible couple really wants their wedding to reflect their personalities, and Uncle Ben’s plans to compete against Apple with…

Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God’s new ark full of Olympians and the children whose heads will hold the apples...0August 11, 2012

God Tells IOC President To Build Ark, Gather 2 Olympians From Each Sport

Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God’s new ark full of Olympians and the children whose heads will hold the apples…

Objectively awful couple Ross Bird and Jessica Black want their upcoming wedding to be a true reflection of who they are as human beings. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:...0August 11, 2012

Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

Objectively awful couple Ross Bird and Jessica Black want their upcoming wedding to be a true reflection of who they are as human beings. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:…

A truckload of bananas gets delivered to the housemates to stimulate some filthy games. Erin eats regurgitated banana mush. Sex doctor visits. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like...0August 9, 2012

Banana Sex Olympics – Sex House – Ep. 5

A truckload of bananas gets delivered to the housemates to stimulate some filthy games. Erin eats regurgitated banana mush. Sex doctor visits. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like…

The robin is murder personified. Watch in terror as nature’s perfectly crafter killer tears apart worm after worm after worm. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion...0August 8, 2012

Robins: The Perfect Murder Machine – Horrifying Planet

The robin is murder personified. Watch in terror as nature’s perfectly crafter killer tears apart worm after worm after worm. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion…

Captain Hiram’s suction dredge brings back more than he bargained for. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com...0August 7, 2012

Revolting Silt – Lake Dredge Appraisal

Captain Hiram’s suction dredge brings back more than he bargained for. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com…

Even though you may have buried that box of perfectly-ripened apricots twenty or even thirty years ago in a seemingly endless field where the sun came through the branches of...0August 6, 2012

Find The Sweet Apricots You Buried So Long Ago – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

Even though you may have buried that box of perfectly-ripened apricots twenty or even thirty years ago in a seemingly endless field where the sun came through the branches of…

Andrea Bennett and Jason Copeland look ahead at the long months remaining before this election is finally over. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:...0August 5, 2012

Reporters Struggling To Maintain Energy Until Election

Andrea Bennett and Jason Copeland look ahead at the long months remaining before this election is finally over. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:…

Employees at arts and entertainment website Grind.com confirmed that CEO Jeff Potkul became drenched in blood, violently demanding staff members to create more web videos.0August 5, 2012

Blood-Drenched, Berserk CEO Demands More Web Videos

Employees at arts and entertainment website Grind.com confirmed that CEO Jeff Potkul became drenched in blood, violently demanding staff members to create more web videos.

A new study finds that Americans need six hours of sleep at work, scientists say the US may have discovered a previously unknown level of not caring about Syria, and...0August 4, 2012

Martin Luther King Bust First Thing To Go, Romney Advisor Quietly Thinking

A new study finds that Americans need six hours of sleep at work, scientists say the US may have discovered a previously unknown level of not caring about Syria, and…

The GOOMFers gaze into the clouds to see Penn State begging victims to vandalize Paterno’s statue and call it quits and the British Open being overrun by a tribe of...0August 4, 2012

Penn State Offers Victims The Chance To Vandalize Joe Paterno’s Statue

The GOOMFers gaze into the clouds to see Penn State begging victims to vandalize Paterno’s statue and call it quits and the British Open being overrun by a tribe of…

Sex House gets spiced up with a sexy photo shoot by European sensation Soren Damgaard. Erin’s scandalous announcement changes everything. The housemates pine for honey. Subscribe to The Onion on...0August 2, 2012

Erin Bares It All – Sex House – Ep. 4

Sex House gets spiced up with a sexy photo shoot by European sensation Soren Damgaard. Erin’s scandalous announcement changes everything. The housemates pine for honey. Subscribe to The Onion on…

As certain as the changing of the tides is the utter putrescence of what lies beneath them. Caked with filth, brimming with urine and home to some of the world’s...0August 1, 2012

Tidal Pools: Nature’s Putrid Sewers – Horrifying Planet

As certain as the changing of the tides is the utter putrescence of what lies beneath them. Caked with filth, brimming with urine and home to some of the world’s…

Virgil is back with a bag full of iPhones he dredged from the lake, but he makes a classic dredger mistake. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The...0July 31, 2012

100 iPhones Found In Lake – Lake Dredge Appraisal

Virgil is back with a bag full of iPhones he dredged from the lake, but he makes a classic dredger mistake. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The…

You may think dropping nitroglycerine from Kevin Kline’s biplane is the only way to stop a menacing mechanical spider piloted by Kenneth Branagh. But I’ve got another trick up my...0July 30, 2012

Kenneth Branagh’s Mechanical Spider Attacking You? Stop Him – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

You may think dropping nitroglycerine from Kevin Kline’s biplane is the only way to stop a menacing mechanical spider piloted by Kenneth Branagh. But I’ve got another trick up my…

Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com0July 29, 2012

This Week In History: Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon

Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com

HP announced they’re making a new push into cloud computing and that they totally know what that is. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:...0July 29, 2012

HP Offers ‘That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About’

HP announced they’re making a new push into cloud computing and that they totally know what that is. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:…

Comic Con is once again marred by the increasingly popular Bully-Con, a weird glitch causes ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ to reboot in the middle of the movie, and the ‘Richie Rich’...0July 28, 2012

Captain Actual America Overweight, Hopelessly In Debt

Comic Con is once again marred by the increasingly popular Bully-Con, a weird glitch causes ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ to reboot in the middle of the movie, and the ‘Richie Rich’…

Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God’s new ark full of Olympians and the children whose heads will hold the apples...0July 28, 2012

Cubs Finally Remove Wrigley Field Ivy After Third Outfielder Hangs Himself On A Vine

Kenny from GOOMF and Tim Devannon from the Steam Room are in London to discuss God’s new ark full of Olympians and the children whose heads will hold the apples…

Tara and Alex are at each other’s throats when a sexy pole dance instructor teaches the ladies how to sex themselves up. The boys take a few tips from legendary...0July 26, 2012

Get On That Pole! – Sex House – Ep. 3

Tara and Alex are at each other’s throats when a sexy pole dance instructor teaches the ladies how to sex themselves up. The boys take a few tips from legendary…

Why do we revere the pathetic trifling of man’s closest animal relative when a mentally devoid human could accomplish the same thing faster and better? It is one of nature’s...0July 25, 2012

Chimpanzees: Dumber Than All Humans – Horrifying Planet

Why do we revere the pathetic trifling of man’s closest animal relative when a mentally devoid human could accomplish the same thing faster and better? It is one of nature’s…

Kim sleuths down the origin of a Mountain Dew can, with unexpected results. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on...0July 24, 2012

Mountain Dew Can Provides Pleasant Challenge For Appraiser – Lake Dredge Appraisal

Kim sleuths down the origin of a Mountain Dew can, with unexpected results. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on…

There’s no app for fixing your iPhone when it gets covered in white mold, but luckily there’s a Trouble Hacker! I’m showing you guys how to get rid of this...0July 23, 2012

My iPhone Is Covered In White Mold! Help! – Troublehacking with Drew Cleary

There’s no app for fixing your iPhone when it gets covered in white mold, but luckily there’s a Trouble Hacker! I’m showing you guys how to get rid of this…

Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com0July 22, 2012

Ron Paul Makes Campaign Stop In Whimsical Jalopy

Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com

On Today Now!, a consumer expert shows Jim a new Applebee’s commercial that urges young people to come and mock their restaurants. (Aired 11/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:...0July 22, 2012

New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee’s Ironically

On Today Now!, a consumer expert shows Jim a new Applebee’s commercial that urges young people to come and mock their restaurants. (Aired 11/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:…

Jay plays sexy doctor to Tara after she gets a second-degree burn from a blast of scalding hot air. Frank and Erin enjoy a post-sex thank you basket filled with...0July 19, 2012

Sexy Truth or Sexy Dare – Sex House – Ep. 2

Jay plays sexy doctor to Tara after she gets a second-degree burn from a blast of scalding hot air. Frank and Erin enjoy a post-sex thank you basket filled with…

Docile and begging for death, the zebra traverses the African plain, counting down the seconds until a predator tears the flesh from its bone. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:...0July 18, 2012

Zebras: Nature’s Ultimate Prey – Horrifying Planet

Docile and begging for death, the zebra traverses the African plain, counting down the seconds until a predator tears the flesh from its bone. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube:…

David “Kim” Parker is appraising dredged items in Helcomb County, and Captain Hiram has a mass of chicken wire that may not be worth as much as originally thought. Subscribe...0July 17, 2012

Lake Dredge Appraisal – Chicken Wire/Muddy Pot

David “Kim” Parker is appraising dredged items in Helcomb County, and Captain Hiram has a mass of chicken wire that may not be worth as much as originally thought. Subscribe…

Hey there bipeds! Big pieces of glass lacerating your feet? No need to track blood through your step-father’s house when there’s a simple fix! And all of the materials can...0July 16, 2012

Troublehacker – Whenever I Leave The House, Broken Glass Cuts My Feet

Hey there bipeds! Big pieces of glass lacerating your feet? No need to track blood through your step-father’s house when there’s a simple fix! And all of the materials can…

Toyota’s new Prius Solution reduces its driver’s carbon footprint to zero by impaling them through the lungs with spikes as soon as they get in the car. Subscribe to The...0July 13, 2012

New Prius Helps Environment By Killing Its Owner

Toyota’s new Prius Solution reduces its driver’s carbon footprint to zero by impaling them through the lungs with spikes as soon as they get in the car. Subscribe to The…

Six sexy singles move into America’s hottest mansion meticulously designed for only one thing: sex. Tara, Jay and the gang kick off the best three months of their lives with...0July 12, 2012

Sex House – Meet The Nymphos – Ep. 1

Six sexy singles move into America’s hottest mansion meticulously designed for only one thing: sex. Tara, Jay and the gang kick off the best three months of their lives with…

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around. (Aired 11/1/11) Subscribe to The...0July 11, 2012

Romney’s Numbers Skyrocket After Prostitute Reveals She Paid Him To Sleep With Her

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney’s approval rating is way up after a prostitute reveals she paid Romney to sleep with her, not the other way around. (Aired 11/1/11) Subscribe to The…

It’s an Independence Day Firework To Your Head, as Doc and Kenny celebrate Bosh proving himself a non-ostrich, Federer tracking crabgrass into Wimbledon, and the Diamondbacks fleeing from a scary...0July 5, 2012

Roger Federer Nearly Blows Chance At Wimbledon By Introducing Crabgrass To The Courts

It’s an Independence Day Firework To Your Head, as Doc and Kenny celebrate Bosh proving himself a non-ostrich, Federer tracking crabgrass into Wimbledon, and the Diamondbacks fleeing from a scary…

Internet criminals are using a website called “Kickstarter” to bilk friends and families out of money for terrible, ill-conceived, and unnecessary “personal projects.” Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly...0July 4, 2012

Internet Scam Alert: Most “Kickstarter” Projects Just Useless Crap

Internet criminals are using a website called “Kickstarter” to bilk friends and families out of money for terrible, ill-conceived, and unnecessary “personal projects.” Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly…

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