Medium Channels The Spirits Of Old Acquaintances For Awkward Small Talk

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1. Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:......
2. Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don’t have to make new friends. (Aired 11/18/11) Subscribe to......
3. Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being “gay.”......
4. Facebook To Allow Changes To Privacy Settings If Users Guess Word In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg Female friends spend a raucous night validating the living shit out of each other, an exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing her fingers together, and a 5-year......
5. Teen’s Death Hits Reporter Hard When a community loses a teen in a drunk driving accident, it’s Onion News Network reporter O’Brady Shaw who is most emotionally devastated. (Aired 10/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on......
6. Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer’s “Please Help” Emails Went Completely Ignored Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer’s “Please Help” Emails Went Completely Ignored Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com...
7. Nation’s First Boombox-Carrying, Rollerskating Congressman Broke Boundaries On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
8. Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana’s unique primary process, in which the state’s delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight. Subscribe to The......
9. Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
10. Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It’s a special GOOMF Blast! Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
11. Obama’s Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself “somehow very sad.” Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow......
12. GOP Introduces New “Mystery Candidate” With Paper Bag Over Head Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. (Aired 11/18/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on......
13. Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
14. Romney’s Super Tuesday Polls Surge After He Begins Flaunting His Wealth Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow......
15. Could The Use Of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America’s Reputation Worldwide? The First Responders debate the US military’s use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above. (Aired 10/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The......
16. Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
17. Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion......
18. Broncos Receivers Worried Peyton Manning Going To Expose How Bad They Are Doc and Kenny answer “fan mail” about terrible receivers in Denver, confusing NCAA-upset sex, and Bryce Harper’s dickishness. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:......
19. Reporter Helps Starving Dogs By Personally Shooting Them After an earthquake renders hundreds of dogs homeless, reporter O’Brady Shaw pledges to put down every last animal himself. (Aired 10/18/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The......
20. Nation Abuzz With Prospect Of 18-Year-Old Boys Having Their Dreams Crushed It’s a joyous GOOMF as Doc and Kenny revel in the pain of the NCAA Tournament’s losers, the idiotic Redskins, and the ailing Jeremy Lin. Subscribe to The Onion on......