Behind The Pen: The Chinese Threat

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1. Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world’s 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly......
2. Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being “gay.”......
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4. This Week In History: VE Day Commemorated With Historic Radio Address From FDR’s Rotting Corpse The Onion looks back at Alabama’s first desegregated mass suicide, the historic VE Day Speech from FDR’s rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur......
5. Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana’s unique primary process, in which the state’s delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight. Subscribe to The......
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7. Obama’s Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself “somehow very sad.” Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow......
8. Nation’s First Boombox-Carrying, Rollerskating Congressman Broke Boundaries On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
9. Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:......
10. Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
11. Could The Use Of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America’s Reputation Worldwide? The First Responders debate the US military’s use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above. (Aired 10/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The......
12. Romney’s Super Tuesday Polls Surge After He Begins Flaunting His Wealth Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow......
13. Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer’s “Please Help” Emails Went Completely Ignored Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer’s “Please Help” Emails Went Completely Ignored Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com...
14. GOP Introduces New “Mystery Candidate” With Paper Bag Over Head Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. (Aired 11/18/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on......
15. Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
16. Broncos Receivers Worried Peyton Manning Going To Expose How Bad They Are Doc and Kenny answer “fan mail” about terrible receivers in Denver, confusing NCAA-upset sex, and Bryce Harper’s dickishness. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:......
17. Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It’s Our Turn While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters they’re “undecided” just for the fun of messing with the president’s head. Subscribe to The......
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19. Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
20. Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself Today Now! welcomes Linda Johnston, the inspiring woman who made history by talking about herself continuously for over fifty hours. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion......