Behind The Pen: Nanny State, Ninny State

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1. Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being “gay.”......
2. Behind The Pen: Collective Wisdom If you like watching DVDs or streaming movies online, this week’s must-see Behind the Pen video will reveal whether you are a sophisticated adult or a mixed-up teen. Subscribe to......
3. Teen’s Death Hits Reporter Hard When a community loses a teen in a drunk driving accident, it’s Onion News Network reporter O’Brady Shaw who is most emotionally devastated. (Aired 10/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on......
4. This Week In History: VE Day Commemorated With Historic Radio Address From FDR’s Rotting Corpse The Onion looks back at Alabama’s first desegregated mass suicide, the historic VE Day Speech from FDR’s rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur......
5. Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana’s unique primary process, in which the state’s delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight. Subscribe to The......
6. Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer’s “Please Help” Emails Went Completely Ignored Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer’s “Please Help” Emails Went Completely Ignored Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com...
7. High Unemployment Rate Linked To One Man With 42000 Jobs A recent report finds that one man is selfishly working thousands of jobs while other Americans go without even one. (Aired 10/25/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
8. Obama’s Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself “somehow very sad.” Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow......
9. Nation’s First Boombox-Carrying, Rollerskating Congressman Broke Boundaries On This Day In History, the first boombox-carrying congressman skated his way into the Capitol. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
10. Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon Pennington, IL mayor Sue Hallinan resigns in shame after passing bad coupons at the local Kroger. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook:......
11. Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
12. Could The Use Of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America’s Reputation Worldwide? The First Responders debate the US military’s use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above. (Aired 10/11/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The......
13. Romney’s Super Tuesday Polls Surge After He Begins Flaunting His Wealth Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com Follow......
14. GOP Introduces New “Mystery Candidate” With Paper Bag Over Head Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election. (Aired 11/18/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on......
15. Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy talk to an 11-year-old who had his leg gnawed off by a cool-as-hell shark. (Aired 10/4/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
16. Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It’s a special GOOMF Blast! Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com......
17. Grover Norquist: ‘I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes’ President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion on......
18. Joad Cressbeckler: Immigrants Who Survive Arizona Desert Deserve Citizenship On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad says any Mexican who crosses the scorching-hot desert on foot has proved himself worthy of US citizenship. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like......
19. Nation Abuzz With Prospect Of 18-Year-Old Boys Having Their Dreams Crushed It’s a joyous GOOMF as Doc and Kenny revel in the pain of the NCAA Tournament’s losers, the idiotic Redskins, and the ailing Jeremy Lin. Subscribe to The Onion on......
20. Republicans Stalling Obama’s Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly. (Aired 10/25/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly Like The Onion......